Living Fully

Life is certainly different after loss, and it's true we don't have a clue how it will turn out. I've changed in so many ways, grown stronger as new experiences have reshaped my life today. I try to remain open to living, and I am at a different place than I ever might have imagined. My life and interests have branched off on a totally different course than if my husband had lived. And at this time, 4 years later, I know life, despite everything, is good for me.

It has become vitally important for me to do the things I enjoy, even start new interests that I've always wanted to try. I've reshaped my life socially, because relationship dynamics change when you're no longer part of a couple. But all in all, I have grown and become empowered through this process. And grief is an ongoing process. It's so important not to shut down or get stuck in anger or bitterness. We can't allow ourselves to spin in place very long and remain stuck looking back at what we had and what might have been. Life is for living and I intend to live my share and perhaps a bit more.

Welcome Changes Radio Interview Now Live

Today I was interviewed on Welcome Changes Radio by Velma Gallant, also known as "The Queen of Joy," a woman of growth, learning and expansion. Velma is an abundance coach who will help you create your life of joy, passion and freedom. Here is a link to listen to the show on July 22, 2008. http://recordings.talkshoe.com/TC-40777/TS-123897.mp3>

I feel honored to have been interviewed on her show, and some of her past interviews include Neale Donald Walsch, author of the "Conversations with God" series and Mike Dooley, one of the teachers for the best-selling DVD and book "The Secret." Velma will also be interviewing Joe Vitale, "Mr. Fire," in an upcoming episode, as well as Kurek Ashley, an international entrepreneur and success coach.

Books Arrived Today

I had an uncanny moment, an emotional moment when my books arrived in three crates. I opened the top one because it had a big dent in the bottom. Well, as it turns out there was padding in the dented corner, so no books were damaged. When I lifted the first one out, looked at its glossy cover, I felt a tingle go up the back of my neck. I felt quite emotional to finally hold this book, "A Journey Well Taken: Life After Loss" in my hands. The completed project. It felt good, the beginning or perhaps the middle of this entire process. A sorrowful but joyful one. Contrary emotions, but moving forward nonetheless. I'm always intent on moving forward. I am so fortunate in my life, my relationships, my experiences. I thank the higher powers everyday for all I have.

Marketing and Getting Your Name out on the 'Net

First let me state I am a rank amateur on internet marketing. However, I am having a measure of success in this marketing venture to get information out about my soon to be released book.

I've been busy this week, literally glued to the computer (which this time of year, when it starts to get warm and beautiful out, drives me crazy) working on marketing, placing articles and getting my name and information out there.

Besides my several blogs, I have written 34 articles since January on grief, loss and renewal. This is interesting to me since after the loss of my husband, I could not write anything for almost three years. Now, I'm writing like crazy, in a good way, and loving it. (I've always been a writer and to not be able to write was very depressing, to say the least.) This was part of my grief process.

I've been placing the articles (approximately 650-1200 words each) on the better known free article sites. (I also blog every day). I have every one of these articles placed on the top 5 sites, and last night I worked about 5 hours placing articles on 80 other sites. You have to wonder, is it worth it? That answer, for me, is definitely. My articles have been picked up by everyone and anyone who is looking for info on grief, loss and bereavement. How do I know this? I have set up through my google alerts account, notice that come into my email inbox. My alerts are keywords related to what I write about. ie., grief, loss, widows, etc. I also have keywords set up in relation to my article titles. So, anytime an article is used and appears somewhere, I can find out exactly where it is. They have turned up in amazing places -- such as online radio pages, ezines, other article sites, blogs, webpages, online magazines, etc., etc. (People and places I don't even know post my articles) Bottom line -- they have to keep my contact info in place in the article, and it all links back to my website. Simple.

My book A Journey Well Taken: Life After Loss is coming out in June and I feel it's crucial to do what I can right now, before that event, to optimize my presence on the web. If anyone is interested in what I have done to get my information out there, I am also willing to pay it forward and share everything I'm doing. You can check out my blogs and websites to see what I'm playing around with. http://www.ajourneywelltaken.com, http://www.onwingspress.com, http://www.elainewilliams.org, http://www.ajourneywelltaken.blogspot.com. I also have blogs on wordpress, authorsden, technorati, multipy, 22x2com/blogs, isnare.com, qassia, selfgrowth.com. I started this entire process the end of December, beginning of January, and I've done it piece by piece since then, building upon my efforts. I created my own youtube video, my websites, articles and check out other people's grief, loss related blogs. Again, I find alot of these sources using google alerts. I also play around with google adwords to some degree. I also have a networking site on facebook and myspace.

I have 25 book testimonials from people in the grief and loss arena, not only widows and widowers, but grief, hospice counselors and life coaches. I contacted these people by searching for grief related websites.

If you google my name, Elaine Williams, a wealth of info comes up. Keep in mind this is only since January that my presence has been created. You can also find my other writing names linked to Elaine Williams.

Is it time consuming? It can be. It depends how much you want to get accomplished in the time frame you set. When I began this, I had no idea where I was going with it all, but I feel I have come a long way since January, and still have a long way to go. There is so much out there and you can tap into whatever suits your interests. You're only held back by your own fears of the unknown. So jump in there, challenge yourself and move ahead.

Living Fully

Sometimes there are other losses, such as divorce, that can mirror the pain and loss of a loved one through death. That's not to say it's the same, but it is filled with pain, all the same. Many of the same feelings, fears and situations arise out of both situations. Loss is a universal emptiness, and yes, we do learn to move on, if we keep ourselves open to life and living, as hard as it is at times.

Being four years into this process I have pretty much reinvented myself. Many times it was incredibly hard walking this road, but I write about my loss experience for others to see you're not alone, and we can triumph and go on to a wonderful life, even after our loss.

You create new friendships, interests and sometimes it feels like a metamorphis taking place. At times I resisted change, afterall, change can be scary, but ultimately, I made myself step forward and experience what came to me. Good and bad.

I've come to learn that what shows up is there for a reason, so I can't hide my head in the sand and ignore them. I take what I can from the experience and leave the rest. It's called living. And I choose to live fully.

Jenslove.com

Here's a nice site, relatively new and they're always accepting new members. They have lots of good people, all kinds of cool gadgets for leaving comments, music, videos and interesting posts, all with an uplifting message. The site is http://www.jenslove.com and it's dedicated to Jennifer Rigby Stam, who passed away at 24 years of age.

An Individual Grief Experience

At first the loss was a relief, my husband had been sick with esophagus cancer for almost 12 months, was in tremendous pain and had wasted away to nothing. I never knew for sure how much weight he lost, but I would estimate close to one hundred and ten pounds.

When he died, he took that last breath, I knew it was best for him, as terrible as his life and lack of quality of life had become. At about six months it really began to hit me, and my life became a deep, gaping hole of lonely, empty despair. I was afraid to talk about it, to voice my fear, my total numbness. I had three children I needed to keep on an even keel. At times I would cry, or stare blankly, and I thought perhaps this is going crazy, or at least I was losing whatever grip I had on life. This was the beginning of my grief experience.

Now, four years later I can see the tremendous growth I've gone through, allowed myself to move through, and I feel I have come out on the other side, a better, more compassionate person. But I still remember the time in between, the time of incredible loneliness, feeling wounded and hurt to be left alone. In truth, I don't want to forget those years in between. It made me who I am today.

The Aftermath...is Grief Ever Good?

A thought. Have you ever considered grief good in any way, shape or form? For three and a half years you’re locked in combat with yourself, and the world around you as it changes. In time all things adapt, and somehow we open our eyes and learn something different, that you are indeed changed by your grief experience and you are therefore, different; newer, stronger, wiser and hopefully more loving and compassionate. Should we thank grief for allowing us to experience all that is different in our world? Have we in the grief process evolved into who we were meant to be? We got a push or a shove on this journey…has it turned out in any way more than you could ever have envisioned for yourself?

Saturday Night Dancing

One of my decisions to take life by the horns and not sit still involves dance lessons I’ve been taking since January. Swing dance, jitterbug. I’ve always envied people who could dance and look good out on the dance floor, and since taking lessons myself, I’ve developed more confidence in myself as a dancing partner. I love to dance, and this past Saturday I attended a vintage dress swing dance party. I was one of the first to arrive and there ended up being about seventy people, men and women, in attendance. I had a great time and danced so much I developed a blister on my one heel. So, next step is to buy the proper swing dance shoes so this doesn’t happen again. I wore a beautiful dress that looked the vintage part, it was a deep midnight blue, overlaid with black lace, cap sleeves, handkerchief hem dress I bought to wear for New Year’s Eve, but I never went out for New Years, so I got to wear it for the first time on Saturday.

I received lots of compliments on it and while dressy, it fit well in with the dance theme. I danced with many of the guys I’ve been taking dance lessons with, but also with other men who were more advanced dancers, and it was great fun. I learned some new moves which was the best part, and found out I could cut a pretty good swathe on the dance floor. I had made up my mind before I went that I was going to have a good time, and that is exactly what happened.

Loss Can Pave the Way to a New Life

I have always considered myself a caring person, but when my husband got ill and then died, I really was forced to go inside myself and figure out who and what I was and who and what I wanted to be, at almost 50 years of age.

There was a lot of soul searching, introspection, meditation...and ultimately a new person emerged on the other side. Perhaps new in small ways, but overall, I felt reborn, as strange as that may sound. It doesn't diminish my loss in any way, in fact it made it all the more important and empowering, because I became more than I ever expected. I grew into the me I was always supposed to be. I continue to grow because I am determined to keep my heart and life open to all possibilities.

Could this have happened if I hadn't experienced the loss of a spouse and ensuring devastation? Possibly, but I don't think the effects would have been as far reaching or so embedded in who I am today.

Steps One at a Time in No Particular Hurry

Spiritually and emotionally, I've worked on my own balance for many years, but more so in the last four years since I lost my husband. Many times my life felt like a tenuous balancing act. I've learned at times to put this whole life experience we have in a wonderful perspective. I've found that when I try to rush things, they go askew. When I look around and really see what's there, it goes easier. One step at a time, one stroke at a time, as I recently read by another blogger, Judy Wasserman, is such blessed, wonderful advice. Some of us figure this out later rather than sooner in our lives, but it is something I have learned and taken truly to heart.

New Article on Grief, Loss, Empowerment

I have posted a new article on my different feeds, (see the two links to the right of this blog.) It's entitled "Grief is a Journey, Not a Destination." And also on my blog at my wordpress blog, link below.
http://www.ajourneywelltaken.wordpress.com/

Starting Anew at Fifty

By Elaine Williams ©2008

I lost my husband and best friend of 22 years when he was 59 and I was 47. We have three boys and I'd always thought we'd be together forever, however long that was, or at least another twenty years. I felt blindsided when I lost him to cancer after 11 months of illness. I had a terrible time living with the loss, but it didn't actually hit me until six months or so after he died. On our first anniversary, I felt like I slammed into a wall going forty miles an hour and I hadn’t put on my seatbelt.

It took me about 4 years to get to the point where I felt happy in my own life, which no longer resembled the life we had shared together. My period of grieving moved me through many lifestyle changes, many times fearful, but ultimately all of them good. Of one thing I am certain, everyone’s grief experience is unique.

There was a lot of stress in my life during this period. Not only was I dealing with my own emotions, but the ramifications of my boys’ confusion, loss and grief. Their emotional and physical wellbeing was always my first priority. However, there were many late nights I cringed when the telephone rang. As I reached to answer it, my heart pounded double-time in my chest and I wondered what new catastrophe would have to be addressed. My children moved through their grief as I offered loving support, knowing they needed to deal with the loss of their father in their own way, just as I did.

As my life evolved, grew and blossomed, I became someone different than I could ever have imagined. When Joseph was gone several years, I wrote a diary to myself as part of my healing process.

I wrote it over a period of time, and knew that other widows needed to read it, if only to be reassured there is hope even in the face of devastating loss. My story is very personal—emotions exposed and fear pushed out to the light.

I began dating after one year, and this was accompanied by guilt and the ultimate realization that I started too early. Dating again after 27 years felt foreign and my early experiences gave me something of a shock. We all grieve in our own way, but for me, the option to remain alone did not feel viable. At first I worried I may be betraying my husband’s memory, but gradually I realized that opening myself to a new love doesn't diminish what I had with my first love.

I am a person who thrives on human relationships and loving someone, so while I hold dear the life we had shared, I also look forward to a loving partner to enhance my otherwise wonderful, full life.
http://www.ajourneywelltaken.com

Dating Again…On the Far Side of Forty

Elaine Williams ©2008

Due to life circumstances, the death of a spouse, I had been out of the dating game for some time and reentered the scene after a 27-year absence. I experienced what I like to call “culture shock”. One definition is as follows: “A state of bewilderment and distress experienced when suddenly exposed to a new, strange, or foreign social and cultural environment.”

That was me, a 48 year old widow with three children, experiencing true culture shock when I began dating. I thought it would be a relatively uncomplicated process to jump back in. (Yes, I laugh when I read this) You go out with someone who shares mutual interests, you go to dinner, the movies, sometimes you stay in and watch movies or…Stop. That wasn’t what happened.

The above is what I considered the normal dating process, but I found there was nothing approaching normal in today’s dating scene. Having been married 20 years, I naively believed in happily-ever-after when the two right people found each other. I knew what relationships were about and I also knew they could be hard work at times.

My experience with online dating is as follows: Online dating felt similar to a smorgasbord. If you don’t like one dish you try, throw it in the trash and proceed to the next as quickly as possible. There’s always something different and new on the table. There’s nothing wrong with variety and trying new dishes, but at least admit if you don’t like the current dish. Don’t play with your food.

Dating at 48. In my admittedly limited experience, I discovered a variety of issues that came into play. My age group, as perhaps is true with other age groups, many of us have been wounded in minor and major ways by life and by society in general. Some of us carry the baggage from the wounding on our backs, others leave the baggage at the train station.

Based on my experience, some individuals have never learned basic relationship skills. Early on, I attracted only emotionally unavailable men. Men who were still in love or emotionally attached to other women. Men who preferred to remain single and just do surface dating. Whether intentionally or not, they played at dating with no real intent to take it further into any kind of emotional commitment; for whatever reason. Most of these men were good men in their own right and perhaps best kept as friends.

One dating experience I had was a man whose company I really enjoyed. He was a good father, an excellent businessman, but when we were together, he never showed interest in my day, activities or what was happening in my life. I hoped he would change. We had been “dating” about three weeks when I finally asked myself why was I hanging around with someone who made me feel so unfulfilled and contributed nothing to my life? I realized that even though he was a good man, he was not good for me. It was still incredibly difficult to make the break but I knew I deserved more.

My dating helped me learn additional life skills I myself lacked. I learned that dating should begin as friends, and I shouldn’t drop everything because a guy calls. My most important skill learned is letting someone show me they’re truly interested in me before jumping into intimacy.

These simple pieces of experience are often learned by kids today in their teens and twenties. Somehow, I had missed these lessons some thirty years ago.

When I realized by being true to myself is my real power, I also decided that for now, I choose to be alone. I choose to be alone until the right person comes along who will enhance my life as much as I enhance his.
http://www.ajourneywelltaken.com

Articles

I've been busy, wrote five more articles on grief, loss, bereavement and empowerment. All under the heading of women's issues. I feel like all this stuff is coming to the surface, new ideas wrapped around the old. I feel as if I'm freeing myself even more by writing about theseissues that I couldn't talk about or grasp two years ago. It's funny how when I look back I can see my life and myself and my decisions with crystal clarity, but at the time it was like peering through muddy water. How funny is life when we can look back at ourselves and see what was happening? I don't regret any of my life history, my decisions, what I have become. I rejoice in it all because it's made me as I am today. I am happy, I am content. I am me. As my good friend Lu would say, "hoo-haw!"