Alone on Valentine's Day

Elaine Williams
copyright 2009
According to the U.S Census Bureau, there are approximately 700,000 new widows every year. The emotional and monetary problems that affect those experiencing widowhood are staggering. This is no small problem, as 32% of women aged 55 and older live alone, according to the 2000 U.S. Census.

Being alone during special days like Valentine’s Day can be incredibly painful for those who have lost a loved one. It's often considered a special day for couples, and if you’re recently bereaved, it can be an especially difficult time to get through. One way to lessen any negative impact of this day is to plan ahead – perhaps go out to dinner with friends or a movie. Create something special for yourself.

The stress of dealing with the death of a spouse makes it quite difficult to function at times. In addition to the loss of income, the widow or widower may also face debt issues and the pressure of becoming a single parent. When you lose someone you love, it is a permanent wound on the heart. Loss of any kind is never easy, but you can begin to enjoy life once more, even if it’s only one evening at a time. Be kind to yourself.

Depression and Loss

There seems to be a lot of notice being given to depression on the internet, some of them through different professional articles. I would caution that feeling 'depressed' due to loss of a loved one, is different from other forms of depression. For some, getting through the grief process can take time. It is a process unique to each individual and not to be rushed. However, having said that, there is nothing wrong with getting help to get through the rough spots in life. Sometimes we need a little something more than what we can do for ourselves. Sometimes all we need is an ear or a shoulder, so don't be afraid to seek professional help, if life is getting you down.

I've also been exploring other healing methods, and I'm currently working with Janet Greene of Greene's Release at http://www.greenesrelease.com/"> to explore her method of healing ourselves and finding the real you. It involves methods to heal through traumas and loss that have occurred in each of our lives. Stay tuned.

Stages of Grief - It can be a Messy Process

From my own experience as a widow of four years, not only writing about grief the last several years but talking with others -- often times people don't understand the sometimes messy, non-linear and very individual grief process. There is no set way to do it. However, I've found the best way to "do it" is to take it day by day, sometimes moment by moment. No expectations, no hard and fast rules, just do what works to get yourself through it and into a better place emotionally, mentally, spiritually.


The Kubler-Ross Model defines the stages as follows: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Even Elisabeth Kubler-Ross stated that not everyone always experiences all of these stages nor are they experienced in a clear, linear fashion. Kulber-Ross talked about the above stages in relation to someone who is dying, and also those who have lost a loved one. However, these stages of grief can also be linked to a situation which involves a real or perceived lack of control over one's life.

In the end, it's interesting how we each handle life's "smackdowns".

"Complicated Grief" Study by UCLA Scientists

A new study by UCLA scientists suggests that long term or "complicated" grief may trigger neurons in the reward center of the brain.
http://www.virtualmedicalcentre.com/news.asp?artid=11842

We all experience grief in some measure throughout life. We live through the painful adjustment of the loss of a loved one -- the emotional and psychological lows. But for those suffering complicated grief, the normal grief reaction remains painful and debilitating, sometimes leading to suicidal thoughts or an inability to resume life, even many years later.

If you look at the MayoClinic site
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/complicated-grief/DS01023/DSECTION=symptoms/
you will see symptoms that apply to the grief process. I recognize my own grief journey in these symptoms.

What moves the grief into "complicated grief" is the extended period of time that these emotions continue to be apparent in the grieving individual. While I understand the grief process personally, I disagree with this article where it says "normal grief symptoms gradually start to fade within six months or so". From my own experience, I was just beginning to lose the numbness at six months and therefore becoming alive to my grief at six months. Does that mean I've suffered from complicated grief? I don't believe so.

What I do believe is the grieving process is very individual. I also believe that if grief continues and there is no quality of life resumed, then there is the possibility of complicated grief and professional help should be sought.