Guest Post by Richard Moyle -- Mesothelioma Cancer Center at Asbestos.com.

The Process of Grief
This is a guest post by Richard Moyle from the Mesothelioma Cancer Center at Asbestos.com. Asbestos.com is committed to providing the latest, up-to-date information to our visitors in the hopes of spreading awareness about the dangers of asbestos cancer.

Mesothelioma is a rare cancer that is caused by exposure to asbestos. This type of cancer is typically diagnosed in its later stages and is usually difficult to treat. This is because the cancer has an unusually long latency period and mesothelioma symptoms do not begin to show for at least 25 years after exposure. The typical life expectancy of someone diagnosed with mesothelioma is about one year after diagnosis.

Losing a loved one, whether it be a tragic accident or an illness, is one of the most difficult things to cope with and no two people deal with the loss of a loved one the same way. However, there is a general process that most people go through after the death of someone close to them.

British psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby has presented a 4-step process
that looks at grief through the eyes of someone who wants to continue living even though their loved one has passed on. Bowlby clarifies that the stages of the grieving process can shift and overlap and remarks that ALL stages of the grief process may even take place at the same time and that the amount of time spent in each may be controlled by a huge number of factors including age, personality, and the conditions surrounding the death of the loved one.
The 4-step process is as follows:

• Shock and Numbness – Feelings of unreality and de-personalization (i.e. "This isn’t happening to me."), people in this stage practice "self-protective" behaviors, which makes them appear stoic but that is just a defense mechanism against pain.

• Yearning and Searching – Also known as "pining", the bereaved longs to be with the deceased. Some say they see or hear the deceased during this stage. The bereaved speculates how they will get along without their loved one. This is a long stage for many, but some pass through it rather quickly.

• Disorganization and Despair – Mourning sets in. The bereaved may experience deep depression or despair and feelings of bleakness. Some individuals require therapy during this time, especially when anguish hinders everyday activities or results in contemplation of suicide.

• Reorganization – The bereaved "assimilates" their loss. The person who has reached reorganization is now learning how to live life without their loved one. This stage may represent a redefinition of life for many individuals.
There is no set amount of time for each of the first three stages and anyone can get stuck in one for a long amount of time. This is not a problem as long as it does not interfere with things like the person’s job or personal relationships. If that point is reached, it is helpful for a friend to step in and assist the bereaved in seeking professional help.

Book Review, White Feathers by Pamela Jouan

"White Feathers," by Pamela Jouan is an eloquent, moving tribute to her parents. As a widow, I know from personal experience there is no measure for grief when a spouse dies. I identify fully with the emotional turmoil you describe following this devastating loss, and also the chance to find joy in life again." Elaine Williams, author "A Journey Well Taken: Life After Loss."

The author, Pamela Jouan writes, "I wrote a book for my mother last year that I just self-published. It was originally a gift to her for what would have been her 40th wedding anniversary on that Easter Sunday. I have since published it with all proceeds benefiting cancer research. My father passed away from cancer 3 years ago this September...I have been getting tremendous response from widows who identify with the story.

White Feathers is the story of what would happen if we were given one more day with someone we had lost. The main characters, a couple called Charles and Ruby, are modeled after my parents—most of the details of their lives are all based in fact, as well as a few extraordinary points. Needless to say, my book weaves faith and hope into a tale about lost love and dealing with that loss.

In an effort to do a little more, I decided to publish my book and contribute all proceeds to cancer research. It is currently available through www.amazon.com for purchase. I created a web site http://www.pamelajouan.com"> that talks more about my book and has a list of questions to base a book club discussion on."

Breast Cancer and What Every Woman Should Know - Maureen's Mission

I found an incredible page today, http://www.maureensmission.org and there is a video from Maureen Thiel, who died from breast cancer, about her misdiagnosis for many years of breast cancer.

It is a heartrending story, and a story that is still happening to many women today, who die from breast cancer due to lack of proper testing and doctors not paying attention to sometimes very obvious symptoms.

This is a video every woman should see, especially anyone who has ever been told the breast lump is only a cyst, or nothing to worry about. There is a serious gap in health coverage today, and Maureen's surviving spouse, William Thiel, is trying to bring this "lack" in our system to everyone's attention. There is a wealth of information on this site. Please visit this site for your own information and for every woman you know.

A Friend's Diagnosis and Ovarian Cancer

A good friend of mine of about 17 years just found out two weeks ago she has endometrial cancer. It's stage three. It really makes me crazy inside, and I want to cry at the same time, recalling what my husband went through with cancer. I'm doing the best I can to help her -physically and emotionally, but it really makes me appreciate all the more what I have in my life. It makes you realize it can all be over in a second, just like that.

I am very aware of the fact that many people who have not experienced loss, have no clue as to the time, thoughts, feelings, fears involved in losing a loved one. I hope they never do. There's a big misconception in a lot of society about the grief and grieving process. It is a personal journey, it is nothing by any book, and it is heartwrenching and yet at times enlightening. And strangely, it brings out the best in many of us, many times. How strange but how true. Perhaps we learn to love better, appreciate what you have more, and hold close and dear those we love. It's really simple, and yet complicated.

Sungold/kittywampus has a wonderful post on new strides in detecting ovarian cancer. Her blog is here:
http://kittywampus.blogspot.com/2008/02/test-for-ovarian-cancer.html

Caregiving: If You Knew the Ending, Would You Change the Beginning?

By Elaine Williams ©2008

When someone you love is told they have a terminal illness, you world becomes a narrow focus based on doctor appointments, meeting with healthcare advisors and keeping that person comfortable. In essence, many times we choose to put our life on hold to see to the needs of the person we love.

My husband was ill for eleven months before he died from cancer of the esophagus. While it was a grueling experience for our entire family, it also brought all of us closer together. As sole caregiver, I was focused entirely on his day-to-day care, and I was grateful for our extended network provided by Hospice, doctors, nurses, technicians, pharmacists, family and friends.

The last two months of my husband's life I slept next to the bed Hospice had set up in our living room. At night, I lay on the loveseat I'd come to hate and listen intently to his labored breathing. It was what I did when my kids were babies—listen intently for the next breath to make sure everything was okay. When my kids were babies, as when my husband was dying, I was alert to a breath interrupted or a sign of discomfort.

I managed to sleep in bits and pieces of time, fragments that made no sense to me. I would be sleeping soundly and then I would jerk upright, wide awake. I was exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically. I had always been very healthy, but I developed laryngitis for two months while caring for my husband.

There was such uncertainty and the fear of what was going to happen to all of us. The last week of his life, as he gradually grew weaker and more frail, I reached a point where I knew there was no going back. This was it. It was all out of my hands; not that I had ever had any control. Being in control was something I let myself believe in the beginning. Perhaps it was my way of getting through each day, thinking I actually had a say in what was developing in our midst.

Many times on that loveseat, I would lie awake and stare into the dark, overcome by an utter, unremitting aloneness. It was then I asked God to take him and take away his pain.

My husband mentioned a few times the last week of his life that he really needed a haircut, but I didn’t have the heart to call the barber. I wanted to spare my husband the possible shocked reaction from someone who had last seen him when he was healthy and vibrant.

Near the end of his life it was brought home to me that when you love someone, you’re subject to a certain vulnerability, but it doesn’t mean you stop loving. Moments during his illness, I wanted to shield my family from all pain, but many days I knew there was no guarantee I could even protect myself.


http://www.ajourneywelltaken.com

Does God Send Balloons?

By Elaine Williams ©2008

One day, a little over three months after my husband's cancer diagnosis, was the first time I really thought he was going to die. He lay in bed and he could not get up from being so weak. I was so incredibly frightened. I knew with certainty there was a good chance he was going to die that day.

His holistic doctor and I had been trying to convince Joseph to try a new treatment for detoxification. He was adamant he wasn’t going along with any of it. I told him again about the research supporting the treatment and how it was important to rid the body of poisons and toxins. That morning, when he lay so weak in bed, I again begged and pleaded with him. When he refused I slipped out the back door of the house since I didn’t want the kids to see me crying.

I couldn't control my emotions, feeling so overwhelmed with fear and stress, a helpless witness to his constant pain. Pain control was an ongoing struggle since nothing prescribed seemed to be effective.

As soon as I left the house, I saw the balloons in the tree way across the yard from our house. Several months before we had had a party for our oldest son. My husband had found out he had cancer that week, but he wanted to go ahead with the party anyway, as he was intent on keeping things as normal as possible for the kids.

The day following the party, I was surprised to see two helium balloons high up in the tree by our backfield. It had been windy the night before, so we thought that the wind had somehow brought them there and they had become entangled in the tree branches. Even though I knew they were there, I had never actually looked too closely at them.

Now, crying quietly, I walked out to the tree, totally devastated by what was happening back in the house. I stood under the balloons and saw for the first time what both balloons said. "Get Well Soon." Immediately, I stopped crying, as it felt like a sign. A voice inside told me something I'd heard many times since my husband got ill, "No matter what happens, we’ll be okay."

I went back into the house, feeling buoyed up by something positive. I just had a feeling that somehow God had sent us that message. Back in the house, I told my husband about the balloons and what they said. To my surprise, he said he would try the new treatment.

Within one half hour following the treatment, he was out of bed and outside puttering around in our barn. I was amazed. I couldn’t believe he wanted to go outside, much less that he was no longer weak. He also said he didn’t need any pain medicine, he felt fine.
After that first successful treatment, he had an influx of energy, as if he’d been rejuvenated. I kept very precise records of all the medicines and supplements he received. From that day until three days later, he had very little pain medicine, and he swore he was very comfortable.
This was the only time in the entire 11 months he was ill that he had such an alleviation of pain. It’s incredibly hard to understand how or why this happened. Many times after that I would stare out the window at those balloons and just as many times, I think God was just trying to give both of us a break.