Starting Anew at Fifty

By Elaine Williams ©2008

I lost my husband and best friend of 22 years when he was 59 and I was 47. We have three boys and I'd always thought we'd be together forever, however long that was, or at least another twenty years. I felt blindsided when I lost him to cancer after 11 months of illness. I had a terrible time living with the loss, but it didn't actually hit me until six months or so after he died. On our first anniversary, I felt like I slammed into a wall going forty miles an hour and I hadn’t put on my seatbelt.

It took me about 4 years to get to the point where I felt happy in my own life, which no longer resembled the life we had shared together. My period of grieving moved me through many lifestyle changes, many times fearful, but ultimately all of them good. Of one thing I am certain, everyone’s grief experience is unique.

There was a lot of stress in my life during this period. Not only was I dealing with my own emotions, but the ramifications of my boys’ confusion, loss and grief. Their emotional and physical wellbeing was always my first priority. However, there were many late nights I cringed when the telephone rang. As I reached to answer it, my heart pounded double-time in my chest and I wondered what new catastrophe would have to be addressed. My children moved through their grief as I offered loving support, knowing they needed to deal with the loss of their father in their own way, just as I did.

As my life evolved, grew and blossomed, I became someone different than I could ever have imagined. When Joseph was gone several years, I wrote a diary to myself as part of my healing process.

I wrote it over a period of time, and knew that other widows needed to read it, if only to be reassured there is hope even in the face of devastating loss. My story is very personal—emotions exposed and fear pushed out to the light.

I began dating after one year, and this was accompanied by guilt and the ultimate realization that I started too early. Dating again after 27 years felt foreign and my early experiences gave me something of a shock. We all grieve in our own way, but for me, the option to remain alone did not feel viable. At first I worried I may be betraying my husband’s memory, but gradually I realized that opening myself to a new love doesn't diminish what I had with my first love.

I am a person who thrives on human relationships and loving someone, so while I hold dear the life we had shared, I also look forward to a loving partner to enhance my otherwise wonderful, full life.
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