Grief in its many forms

Grief and loss come in a multitude of forms. Grief due to loss of a loved one but there's also grief related to illness and the impending demise of a loved one.

This week our family pet had to be put to sleep after ten years with us. When he was five weeks old he was slated to go to the dog pound. No one wanted him, so we went down to the place that had him and brought him home, not that I really wanted another dog. (We had the vet put to sleep our cherished Lab "Pearl" the week before)


Bear had a terribly aggressive, fast growing tumor that despite our best efforts, he chewed at and ultimately broke open in his last day of life. I went back and forth for a month on the idea of okaying an operation. He seemed fine, despite the tumor, but the operation I was afraid would totally lessen his quality of life. He would lose his tail, and some of his hind quarter. Otherwise, he seemed his usual self. It was strange...but I finally decided to go for the operation, when he seemed to be bothered suddenly by the tumor -- only to have him within the span of twelve hours, go from seeming to be okay to dying. We never got to the operation, and it seems he was fully involved with cancer, even though he looked okay on the outside. It's incredible to find how much you've become attached to an animal in that span of time. He still had a beautiful, shiny, thick husky coat, and yet he was dying from cancer.

My girlfriend of 17 years just had an operation for endometrial cancer. When she went for pre-testing and bloodwork the week before, and told me they found some swollen lymph glands in her legs, I was very fearful. Having been through this cancer route before, the deep feeling in the pit of my stomach was there...that unrelenting fear for the worst. I wanted to keep her buoyed up, it wasn't up to me to play doctor or surmise what this might mean. She had experts to do that. But I called her, took her out to lunch, kept in daily contact, just to talk to her and let her know I cared.

I saw her this morning after the operation which took a lot longer than they expected. I stayed with her several hours. At a few points we cried together, because the prognosis is not good. The doctor that came to see her, not her regular doctor, alluded to the fact that there was cancer in other places. She is realistic, and I couldn't help the tears that started to my eyes at her matter of fact way of dealing with this news. I cried and I already knew this in my gut.

She said she doesn't want to linger, if she's filled with cancer. She wants it over quick. She knows how it went with my husband, and she fears lingering toward death. I didn't want to talk about this, but I must, so I can help her in this way, just by listening. I feel for her and I feel for myself. Already I feel the loss in my life, the loss of a good, loving person who loves her dogs, animals and especially kids. And they love her.

I love her, but there's nothing I can do for her. Nothing at all, except be her friend and help her in the best way I can.